


never going back again

by bauhauses



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Time Travel Fix-It, the force is a bit of a troll
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:17:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bauhauses/pseuds/bauhauses
Summary: Waking up hurts in all the wrong places.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 21
Kudos: 52





	1. Prologue

Waking up hurts in all the wrong places.

That’s what Ben feels a moment before he opens his eyes. He’s in medical bay with droids all around him and bacta tanks with First Order soldiers not far from him. There’s a rising panic forming deep in him before he can even get up. After all that had happened, did the First Order still win?

She had defeated Palpatine. Died for the deed and he had died too. Died _for her_. And where was she? Had she escaped? How long had he been out? It doesn’t make sense. He had felt himself fading and knew he was becoming one with the Force. And he was half glad of it too. That he would die in her arms and that for just one moment she had cared for him as much he did for her. That she would _live_. But what if--

He can’t even think about it. Ben tries to center himself even as he rips off the equipment the medical droids had attached to him, trying to find that hum inside his chest that has always been their bond. It felt weak and sluggish, not like the bond at all - even back when she had tried to close herself to him.

He’s just about to throw himself at her, to call for her with all of the Force he can muster, when he notices the droid.

It’s a GH-7 unit with a dent near its eyes. Ben remembers it. Snoke had taught him a lesson in failure when he had came back from a mission empty handed and with less Stormtroopers than he had left with. Their first defectors, but not their last.

The lesson, as usual, involved lightning. By the time he had headed to medical he was shaking and so filled with anger he had kicked the first droid that had approached him. He hadn’t stopped at just one kick too, but someone had eventually put the droid back together, though they had never fixed its plating. It was as scuffed as a battle droid. The same droid had tended to him many times since.

He was in the Supremacy.

Before Ben can even gather his thoughts the doors to the room open and Doctor Lokar walks in. It’s like seeing a ghost. Doctor Lokar had died when Admiral Holdo had done the unthinkable and threw his mother’s ship at Snoke’s flagship.

Ben knows what she’s about to say before she does it.

“I’m glad you are awake, sir,” she says. “You were brought to us after General Hux rescued you from Starkiller Base.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First fic ever so I'm kinda terrified, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Let's see where this goes.


	2. Chapter 2

These are the things Ben remembers from back then: he had woke up, the scar hurting terribly and the pain on his side aching almost as much as his soul every time he remembered the touch of his father’s hand on his cheek and his body falling down and down.

Being beaten by a slip of a girl with no training. A girl who used his grandfather’s lightsaber against him.

Her rejection of him. The first one.

But most of all Ben remembers his anger. How much it consumed him from the moment he woke up. A mix of regret and despair that fueled his rage. The look of love on his father’s face that he couldn’t snuff out. His name in his father voice echoing in his head. Ben, Ben, Ben, thumping as hard as his heart. How he almost suffocated from it. He remembers force choking Doctor Lokar when she dared to touch him, breaking a bacta tank with his fist and running away to lick his wounds.

Which is what he does now. With a nod towards the Doctor he flees.

Except, back then he had hadn’t made it far and neither would he now.

Snoke’s familiar voice is inside his head, calling for him.

Inside the turbolift, Ben realizes he had left his helmet behind. Save for that detail he looks like he did back then. Disheveled and sweaty, Snoke had given him no time to clean himself up before he was summoned. The wound on his face hidden by a bandage that was supposed to heal without a scar. It hadn’t. He’s also shaking, the pain from his wounds hurting more now that he keeps himself from using the dark side as a clutch to keep himself standing. This is too soon. He has no idea what’s going on and he’s about to the meet his former master who can look inside his head and see all.

No, not all, Ben thinks, remembering the last time he had seen Snoke.

Ben attempts to center himself and clears his mind, shields firmly put into place, and steps into Snoke’s Throne Room.

It’s just as he remembers. The dark floor and red light and the eight Praetorian Guards they had killed together. Snoke on his throne, whole. Ben had know this room intimately. His life had almost changed in this room.

Hux is there giving him a smug smile as he leaves the room. That’s right, Ben remembers, Hux’s project was fully operational by then. He could now track any ship in the galaxy. The Resistance had just dealt the First Order a blow, but Hux’s new toy was about to hit them right back.

Ben had been with them.

“You wonder why I keep a rabid cur in such a place of power”, Snoke says, interrupting Ben’s thoughts. “His weakness, properly manipulated, can be a sharp tool.”

It’s too disconcerting, to hear these words again from his dead master. A dèja vu and a memory at the same time. Ben wants to yell that Hux will betray the First Order. He would have betrayed you, if I hadn’t done it first. But he doesn’t. Instead he braces himself ready for the onslaught he knows it’s coming.

“I see the girl has left her mark on you,” Snoke says with derision, pointing at his scar.

Ben’s right hand shoots up to touch his face. It’s covered by tech that was supposed to heal him completely, but it never had. She had left her mark on him and only she had taken it away.

“Tell me how you were bested by a girl who had never touched a lightsaber,” Snoke continues. “You, who has been training all your life.” He chuckles. “Such raw, untamed power and all the potential of your bloodline. Vader reborn,” he scoffs.

Ben knows what he has to say. “I have given everything I have to the Dark Side.”

It was a lie now and it had been a lie then, even if back then he thought he spoke the truth. There had been one thing he hadn’t been willing to give up.

He watches as Snoke gets up from his throne and makes his way towards him. Eyes locking on his and his hand shooting up to grab Ben by the chin. He feels the pain of Snoke’s intrusion on his thoughts and steels himself to lock away everything but the memory of Han Solo’s face as he turned on his lightsaber.

“You have too much of your father’s heart in you.”

“I killed my father. When the moment came I killed him.” It’s the wrong thing to say. He hadn’t called his father that for years. Hadn’t done it since even before he had come to Snoke.

The familiar agonizing push of Snoke’s mind into his comes instantly. His shields hold, but barely. He can barely stand by the time Snoke lets him go.

“Yes, you killed your father, Young Solo. And the deed split your soul to the bone.”

This time around the burst of lightning from Snoke’s fingers doesn’t stop when Ben falls to the floor. The Praetorian Guards are immobile as Ben squirms.

“You failed,” Snoke thunders. “Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi Order lives and as long as it does hope lives in the galaxy. And all you can think about is Han Solo.” He stops as Ben rolls on the floor grunting. He’s is hanging by a thread. Any moment now his control will slip and Snoke will see the truth.

I killed you for her. He can’t stop himself from thinking it. And she defeated your master. You lost.

“I thought you’d be the one to snuff it out, but you’re no Vader,” Snoke says dismissing him.

Ben turns his back on Snoke and leaves the room without looking back. By the time he makes his way to the turbolift he’s shaking so badly he has to lean against the wall. This was close. Lying to Snoke had always been an impossible task and keeping this secret from him for much longer feels downright impossible.

But what was his secret? Ben still doesn’t know what’s going on. He had read extensively about the Force - had spend long nights reading the old Jedi texts and years reading ancient Sith muscripts - and time travel, because it could only be called that, hadn’t appeared in any of them. It was unheard of.

And yet he was here. Back in time and with memories of things that hadn’t yet come to pass. Memories of _her._

But why here? Why right now? Surely the Force could have brought him to any point in time. Before his father, he thinks, gulping at the thought. He had killed his father almost two cycles ago and he had carried the guilt of it for all this time, as much as he had tried to bury it deep.

But here he had done it barely over a standard day.

How could the Force be so cruel to him? And then he catches himself. He deserves cruelty from the Force. One good deed cannot erase the bad he had done and besides, the Force had always been his cruel mistress. Even back when he was still walked the path of the light, small and scared, he had begged the Force to shield him from Snoke’s invasion of his mind, his twisted words. The Force had never answered his pleas.

He was back in the light now, yes, but there was no do-over. Not completely.

But he would get to see her again. And that on itself was the greatest gift the Force could have given him. It would be soon now. Only hours before their bond was fully active. The sluggish hum he felt where the bond usually thumped was waking up. This time Ben can’t believe his former self didn’t see it coming. It was light and warmth in his core and so different than the heavy darkness he had carried inside him. It was her and he would get to see her soon.

But first there was a ship he might get to save.

“Ready my ship,” he yells at the two officers when the turbolift opens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some dialogue directly from TLJ, but hopefully we'll get to fully move on to original content in the next chapters. Or at least original dialogue, even if some scenes are the same. Stick with me.


End file.
